I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Go to BabaMail
