My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Go to BabaMail
