When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
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