Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Irish I had better jokes.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
"Having a good hare day."
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
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