Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Variety is the ice of life.
You’re my lucky charm.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
How Rudolf you to say that!
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
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