How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Go to BabaMail
