What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
You’re my pot of gold.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
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