Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
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