When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
I love you from my head tomato
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
The ocean made me salty.
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