I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Green glass globes glow greenly.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
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