History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
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