What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
One trick peony.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Whatever coats your boat.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
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