My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
You’re wine in a million.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
"You make me egg-static."
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
"Just one hot chick."
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I can sea clearly now.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
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