The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
"I lava you."
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I love you from my head tomato
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Go to BabaMail
