Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
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