What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
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