I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Anything is popsicle during summer!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
You're acute Valentine.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
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