Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
"Back that glass up."
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I like big punts and I cannot lie
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
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