I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Can I be Candide with you?
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
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