Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I fence-y you.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
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