The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
You’re the queen of my heart.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
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