Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
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