Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
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