Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
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