Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Can I Alp you?
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
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