My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Keep calm and carrot on.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
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