What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
It’s a winterful day!
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
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