How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
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