I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
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