Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
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