What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Pirates Private Property.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
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