I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I’ll never leaf you.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
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