No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
I love you from my head tomato
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
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