When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
I pitcher us together forever.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I whale always love you.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
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