What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Bookworms take shelfies.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
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