What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
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