How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Dublin over in laughter.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Can I Alp you?
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
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