What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
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