How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
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