What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Having a ball
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
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