My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
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