What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
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