Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
"You bake me crazy."
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
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