What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
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