Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
It's ice to meet you.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
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