I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
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