My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
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