Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Sleigh, what?!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
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