What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
One should always practice what they peach.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
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