What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
I'm the life of the paddy.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
"Love the wine you're with."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Believe in your elf.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
All things must grass.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
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