What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
We’re a perfect mash.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Best in snow.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
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