I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
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