“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I have a heart-on for you.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
We have great chemis-tree.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
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