What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
One more thyme.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Fishing you a happy day.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
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