Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
You make miso happy.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
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