I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Get in the swim this summer.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
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