Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Let’s take an elfie.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
The goal nine yards
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
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