What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
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