My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
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