What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
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