Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Eddie edited it.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
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