What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
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