I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Join us for plenty of play action.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
We are mint to be.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
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