What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Get clover it, babe.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
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