"I make pour decisions."
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Go to BabaMail
