What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
You met all of my koala-fications
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
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