Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
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