You make miso happy.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
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