What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
I love you dairy much.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Anything is popsicle during summer!
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