I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Seas the day!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
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