What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
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