What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Drink happy thoughts.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
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