I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Bookworms take shelfies.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Just brew it!
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
I'm the life of the paddy.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
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