Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
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